Radio 2 - Beige-io Too!

Be warned about the latent danger that is Radio 2, a Goverment conspiracy against the populus geared towards forcing acceptance of policy and graceful ageing.

Radio 2 is Beige

Radio 2 is Beige

The condition known as Beige earned its name from the fashion sense victims (Beigees) develop. Aged Beigees will eject colour from their wardrobe when choosing colour clothes becomes too difficult and, therefore, having an entire wardrobe of neutrals & pastels that just "blend" becomes highly desireable. Beige makes you really want to get the exact change for that nice young cashier. Beige makes you want to debate was it was actually Monday or Tuesday when you went to the Post Office. Beige is a degenerative condition from which there's no comeback. Beige is a mushy state of mind in which you just accept blandness. Beige means you've lost the spark and have given up the fight. The Government likes you being Beige as it takes the heat off them.

Early Onset Beige is, alas, not uncommon.

Beige is not a condition that just creeps up on you, oh no; Beige is something that strikes in an instant yet the saddest fact of the affliction is that Beige is something that you bring upon yourself. You must be ever-prepared to fight it; Beige may start seemingly innocent enough the first sign is, very often, when sufferers begin to tut loudly when hearing "what passes for music these days" on the charts. Soon enough they find themselves stopping by the music section in garden centres and listening to what's termed as "world music" or "sounds from nature" or, perhaps worse still, "ultimate pan pipe chillout". STOP! Look around. Notice your peer group. Fight it or you'll become afflicted by Beige.

On your way home from the garden centre your radio-tutting continues, you're aching to play your new pan pipe CD but, of course, you have never been able to work out how the CD player in your car works so you put on the radio and slip into Radio 2. Radio 2 is Beige - Radio 2 is evil. Radio 2 is state sponsored conformity. Yeah, sure. They play Amy Winehouse, Coldplay maybe even a little Plan B but sure as eggs is eggs you know there's a little Cliff Richard, Kenny G or Dolly Parton just waiting inline on the playlist, waiting to drag you down into 'easy listening'.

Radio 2 IS Beige I tell you.

Radio 2 is for citizens who are happy with the status quo, citizens that no longer want to discover new sounds, citizens that wouldn't dream of picking something up and starting something, citizens that don't want to have to think about their music - citizens that just want their music to blend. I reckon the Government is behind Radio 2 and use it as a tactical submissive device geared to calming the populus and turning them Beige with Katie Melua as their poster girl.

You ask me how I know?

Many is the time I have been round the in-law's of a weekend with the radio on in the background - Plan B's giving us a taste of his retro concept album when BAM! THWACK! POW! Who should assault my ears but Dale Winton. Nooooooo! Radio 2 tried to sneak up on me - it does that, Radio 2. But don't worry, dear reader, I fought it the only way I know how: I drove my in-laws down to Gatwick last week and made certain that all I played on the way down there was a potent mix of Cypress Hill, NWA, Wu-Tang Clan & Public Enemy.

The Crossover

Society wants you to loose the fire of your teen years and Radio 2 is the frontline weapon. If proof were needed see how first Jonathan Ross, then Chris Evans and now Jo Whiley have been used to tease you away from Radio 1 whilst they still have a street value and before they become has been. But the struggle goes on and the fight is getting dirtier, hence the introduction of Mumford & Sons by Zane Lowe of all people. Mumford & Sons have no place in popular culture and have been genetically engineered to exist for one purpose alone and that is to act as your transit vehicle into Radio 2. Don't do it. Fight the power. Being Beige is good for absolutely nothing.

What is it good for?

If Frankie say: War! Go hide yourself - Stevie say: Beige! Go shit yourself.

Andy avatarAndy30th November 1999
Just when you thought Radio 2 couldn't be any more Beige, they have been playing the coma-inducing 'Slow' by Rumer. It's lyrics and tempo make the rest of the Radio 2 playlist, including Des O'Conner seem like The Clash and The Sex Pistols having turf wars.
You may ask how I know all this... well, I fear I have said too much already.....
This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays
Steve Whiting avatarSteve Whiting30th November 1999
Whoa! Andy - what have you done? I just YouTubed Rumer, found Slow & almost slipped into a persistent vegetative state of Beigeness. Luckily I had my Hasselhoff on (Beigewatch) and prevented the near non-reversible slip. That's just the kind of tish I'm talkin' 'bout.

"CJ. Get some fluids in him and put on some ODB and fast!"
When I'm done you may view my sauce.
Andy avatarAndy30th November 1999
I chuckled the first time I heard it thinking that someone had put on a 45' at the wrong speed.
Then I remembered that the only vinyl these days at Radio 2 is probably the kitchen lining which needs to be tea-spill resistant for when the ol' fogeys no-off mid way through recounting stories of The Great War and Vera Lynn. Of course to Eskimo's (Innuits .... innit?) Vera Lynn is slang for sustenance, as in;
'Mum what's for dinner?'
'Vera Lynn'
'Oh no!..... whale-meet-again......??'

This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays
Shazbot the Web Monkey avatarShazbot the Web Monkey30th November 1999
Hmmmmm can whale meat be liquidized in my "blender", I'm not able to eat solids after 12 as I find an evening meal just too much for me to handle, and portion sizes these days are just soooooo big! Oh no early on-set beige.... must fight....... must not let it win....... Oh look a Englebert Humperdink long player record :-)
Have I mentioned that I like a bit of Paul Weller now and then?
Steve Whiting avatarSteve Whiting30th November 1999
I was making tea and toast this afternoon (13:50 to be precise for those of you that may wish to listen again on the iPlayer) & had Jo Whiley on Radio 1.

Jo Whiley just proved her role as Crossover by playing a Taylor Swift record that she followed with a link in which she talked about how good she believed Taylor Swift to be and that Radio 1 listeners who wanted to hear more should check out a session of her's on Radio 2 next week.

With her role as the Government's instrument for crossover into a Beiger state of mind confirmed all I now see when I think of Jo Whiley is the Child Catcher of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
When I'm done you may view my sauce.
sub@omic avatarsub@omic30th November 1999
I was discussing music with a fellow tenant at Old Batford Mill today and she told me that the radio stations she mostly listed to were Kerrang & Radio 2. I thought I mis-heard, asked her to repeat but was assured that I hadn't mis-heard.

How on earth can you go from Kerrang to Radio 2? One's black and the other's beige! What kind of universe allows such a co-existence? Surely one cancels the other out at some quantum level or another?
Engineering websites and encoding your brand
Andy avatarAndy30th November 1999
It's quite elementary my dear whats'on(the radio this afternoon?).
In an infinite quantum multiverse there are an infinite number of Radio 2's , an infinite number of Kerrangs, and an infinite number of listeners. It appears that despite odds so far fetched as to make the infinite probability drive weep there exists a wormhole in which Kerrang, Radio 2 and said listener coalesced into our own dimensional plane.

Either that or someone's been combining the dangerous narcotic 'Speed' and the even more dangerous underground narcotic known as 'Ovaltine'. A worrysome combination I shouldn't wonder. The sort that would make one listen to both Radio 2 and Kerrang I should wager .....
This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays
Steve Whiting avatarSteve Whiting30th November 1999
It's building-up a head of steam and getting all 21st century on us. The government-sanctioned campaign to quash youthful free expression that we know to be Radio 2 has stepped-up a gear and is now finding new avenues down which it can pursue its beige agenda.

In a week which has seen Chris Moyles depart Radio 1 (the same week, incidently, in which I heard 'Dangerous' Dave Pearce on Radio 2 around 11pm-ish [don't judge me, I was being driven back from the pub by my father-in-law, Radio 2 was probably on because it's easier to work than the CD :-P]) Radio 2 is seeping into new media and is popping-up in hacked twitter accounts -
When I'm done you may view my sauce.
Steve Whiting avatarSteve Whiting9th April 2011
See, what did I tell you? Radio 1 this week, Taylor Swift covers Mumford & Sons.
It's a conspiracy, a conspiracy I tell you!
When I'm done you may view my sauce.
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