Men In White Coats 📖
[14th Nov 2025 13:41] - - Me: "You remember me telling you about the nano-spectro-aura analyser I was developing at the Sub@omic laboratory…?"
- He: "Yes, I think so."
- Me: "It's my pioneering laboratory bench test equipment to detec … Read more
Take A Pew 📖
[14th Nov 2025 11:57] - - Me: *selects cubicle* *locks door* *inspects seating* *drops trousers* *sits down*
- [Hatch opens in the wall to the left]
- Priest: "May the Lord be on your heart and your lips that you may make a go … Read more
Play Your Cards Right - India
[4th Nov 2025 20:20] - - Host: "Don't touch Deepak, we'll be right back!"
I'm Not In, Love 📖 🔗
[3rd Nov 2025 09:54] - Which idiot named it Brexit and not Tense EC?
Also, whilst I'm on it, I like to imagine that Eric Stewart's voice mail message goes something like: I'm not in, love. So leave a message…
File note: Since Brexi … Read more
A Quick Recap
[2nd Nov 2025 10:10] - If you ever need to discover the frequency of Blind Date then you really ought to use a Cilla scope.
Show Me Heaven 🔗
[31st Oct 2025 21:36] - This kids just came round and knocked upon our front door, I opened the door and they shouted: "Trickle Treat!" So I invited them inside to watch my Days of Thunder DVD.
Milky Milky 📖
[30th Oct 2025 13:01] - - Serg: "Spooner, the Chief is mortified, shamed and feels so hell-bent on having his revenge that he simply can't be permitted to be in the same room as you, let alone catching sight of you."
- PC Spooner: "Blimey Serg! What have I … Read more
I Buy Any Car Dotcom
[29th Oct 2025 12:48] - I just bought myself an ABBA car. Yes, that's right, an ABBA car.
I got it with Frida livery.
Oxtail English
[29th Oct 2025 09:59] - Which idiot called it AI Image Generation and not Faux Tography?
Meanwhile, At London Luton Airport
[28th Oct 2025 08:13] - - Check-In Crew: "I'm sorry sir, you absolutely cannot bring that crow into the cabin!"
- Me: "I don't see why not, it passes the baggage size test, it's not too heavy and it was sold to me as a carrion."
The Milky Bar Code 🖼
[27th Oct 2025 04:38]
Local Ad
[25th Oct 2025 18:37] - Fish Farmer - looking for help; requires a new inlet sluice gate to be built and installed, would suit someone with experience in carp entry.
Science Fact
[23rd Oct 2025 12:01] - The part of your brain that is concerned with money is called the amygdollar.
Wait For It 📖
[23rd Oct 2025 04:16] - - Chief: "Spooner, please tell me why you are holding this airline employee prisoner, photographing him strapped to a chair and demanding that his next of kin pay a ransom?"
- PC Spooner: "You wanted me to get our review and approval ra … Read more
Plumbing Tip
[18th Oct 2025 12:51] - PTFE tape stands for: Put Tape on Fucking Everything.
Hoo's There?
[10th Oct 2025 17:29] - - Me: *rings doorbell*
- Chinese Guy: *opens front door*
- Me: "Mandarin?"
- Chinese Guy: "No. She left 5 minutes ago to buy groceries. You want to leave a message?"
Luton Typography 📖 🖼
[10th Oct 2025 03:06] - Still keeping a warm place in my heart for the rider of a Just Eat moped, seen ascending Crawley Green Road in Luton, who'd modified the sticker on the rear of the food delivery top box. The bottom arm of the E had been removed so that the Just Eat lo … Read more
Billboard 📖
[9th Oct 2025 16:04] - - Brutus: "You may think it's a stab in the back, but we have to move away from this Imperial System of measurement as we're wasting so much paper these days. I need funding to commission the design of some really effective propaganda to drive … Read more
Get In The Sea 📖
[Published: 5th Sep 2025 11:25 | Modified: 8th Oct 2025 03:07] - Sales people who spam you with email signed-off with the assurance that they'd be happy to jump on a call
can fuck right off, along with any kind of person who begins any kind of request with Can I get a…
</rant>
[edi … Read more
Read-Through
[8th Oct 2025 02:58] - - James Bond: "My name is Bond, James Bond."
- Director: "That's cool. OK now, Bertie, you've heard the line, now you try!"
- Bertie Pugh: "Okaaaaay - and you're certain this'll work on-screen, yes…?"
Generation Gap
[6th Oct 2025 18:56] - - Me: "Is the BBQ lit?"
- Gen Z: "It's alright I suppose."
Jumpin' Jack Flash
[6th Oct 2025 18:54] - Fact:
You're more likely to get away with murder if you're a gasman - police dogs cannot track you because you work for scent tricker. #gasGasGAS
Took Her For A Tinny On Tuesday
[6th Oct 2025 18:51] - In Australia, he performed under the stage name Cray G'day Vid.
Knock-Knee Rhyming Slang
[27th Sep 2025 07:54] - New idea. It's basically a mash-up of your traditional rhyming slang but with a spoonerism thrown in for good measure.
Hudolph Ress* - fancy dress.
*Inspired by Prince Harry.
Cockpit 📖
[27th Sep 2025 07:19] - - Pilot: "OK. Where we private jettin' to today?"
- Co-Pilot: "We're flying a pop star to Hawaii to collect an award."
- Pilot: "Honolulu?"
- Co-Pilot: "Yes, they're giving her an Ivor Novello f … Read more